Friday, March 10, 2006

Not going to be "So Macho"

Firstly I’d like to apologise for my absence in posting on the blog. I have been working on over-drive, both at home and at work and I’ve been totally exhausted. I have looked to post-up here but everytime I’ve looked at the last post, and my attempts at being macho, I’ve been too embarrassed to add anything. I have just read a lovely message from Belinda in Prague (Prague! How cool is that! Not only is it an amazing city but someone living there is taking an interest! Thanks so much Belinda! xx) which she set a little while ago and I did feel a bit guilt at not keeping you all updated.

Working extra hours at work and then getting home, having to shave, put my make-up and female clothes on, make dinner and do my chores is a real drag (no pun intended), but that’s not to say I really mind that much. Miss and I did sit down and have a long chat after my last post, and it did make me come to realise and understand certain things. I know now that is laughable for me to “be her man” because I can’t be. Allowing my masculinity to be locked away, accepting dressing as a girl but most importantly “accepting” Miss’s relationship with Chris changed how she thought and looked at me. She did admit that although she still loved me, she was not “in love” with me. I have to admit it did make me cry, but she was so soft and sensitive and we ended up cuddling into the early hours.

So the outcome?

Yes, I am still wearing the CB-3000. To be honest it’s so long since I even started to get aroused it doesn’t even feel like I could or ever did.
Yes, I am still dressing as a girl; underwear all day and full make-up, my wig, clothes and heels in the evening and at weekends.

The one positive thing is Miss is not interested in getting a new boyfriend, although she did admit if she met a guy she liked she would start seeing him. As you can imagine I have, literally, been bending over backwards to keep her happy (she is still pretty cut up and upset about Chris) and make her life as easy and fun as possible. She has taken the break-up out on me somewhat, but I suppose that’s to be expected, as we are so close. She does have Miss Catherine, but she hasn’t spent that muh time with her because Tony is one of Chris’s best friends. I do think she feels that Chris may have been scared off because of me, and she did insinuate that if I’d been “more of a man” she would never had to start seeing him in the first place. I suppose she has a point. I’m glad that it’s just us two again and I really am trying my best to make this work and keep us together.

Things have got “back to normal” so to speak, although the first Sunday after we had our heart-to-heart I was punished far more than I had before. I had my hands cuffed behind my back, as I do every Sunday when I am unlocked and cleaned. Miss came up and gave me a hug…for a moment I thought it would lead to some intimacy between us…and in a way I suppose it did. Before I knew anything about it she’d quickly raised her knee between my legs. I fell to the floor in agony, banging the side of my head on the bath. I could hardly breath, it felt like my testicles had been pushed up into my stomach and I was in a cold sweat. Miss quickly knelt next to me,

“Are you OK?” she asked with a real look of concern and worry on her face.
I tried to answer but all the breath had been knocked out of me and I could only nod.
“I’m so sorry, darling, but you know you deserved that?”
Again I could only nod.
For the rest of the day I had a dull ache in my testicles, which I suppose served as a reminder that I will never be “her man” and I had no right to even suggest it. I shan’t even be thinking of it again.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least you know where you stand (or in your case kneel)! Best of luck in your new permanent subservience.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why did she say sorry for kneeing you in the balls. you did deserve it...and some.

steph

3:27 AM  
Anonymous Claire Bear said...

I'm sorry to hear that Kirstin and Chris have split up. Hope she is OK? Send her my love. x

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you be with someone who is not in love with you?

Whatever its your life fuck it up as you see fit.

7:00 AM  
Anonymous Goddess Arielle said...

You are a broken, sissy cuck slave. Accept it , love it, cherish it and adore your Goddess.

Women are the superior gender and you are a strong perosn for just the fact that you were not afriad to live who you were mean to be.

Kristen is your Goddess, your universe and tyour life. Her likes,wants and needs are now yours.

If you're a good sissy and serve her well, maybe she'll find you a nice cock to suck.

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For those of us that were hoping you would wake up and see what was really going on and come to your senses, the following said it all:

"Anonymous said...

How can you be with someone who is not in love with you?

Whatever, its your life; fuck it up as you see fit."

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddess Arielle

I have no problem if consenting adult want this type of lifestyle but it should be based on love and she is not in love with him which means she will in time hurt beyond repair whether it be physical or mental.

Also I hate when a group of people think they are better than the other.

When in history when one group of people believed they were morally and genetically better than another group has it ever ended well?

Thats right never.

People like you mock history and show it no respect and are doomed to find the same fate that others who made the same mistakes before you fell to.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You love her and she doesnt love u. She wants your financial support. Basically, she no longer needs you, she wants a new man to fuck and love while you pay for everything. THis just seems like a woman that wants to get her alimony without the divorce. You aren't getting anything out of this. No sex, No love, all I can really say is that you are a total Douchebag for putting up with this sh*t. Just dump her and find someone that will love you. Wake up from your stupid delusions, she no longer loves you and she never will. She told that to you herself. U wear lingerie for her, cook, clean and she tells you she no longer loves you. That is an abusive relationship, not love. You both need to see a damned shrink.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We've got a sweepsteak in our office as to how long before Kristin is fucking some else. I'm down for a week. Fingers crossed hahaha.

3:10 AM  
Anonymous kfc said...

Aaaarrgh...I´ve been reading this blog for a while but now I absolutely have to say something about it! I guess it´s true when one says “ignorance is bliss” but when you wake up – and eventually you most likely will sooner or later – don´t you think you´ll end up regretting all the years, time and efforts wasted on this "relationship" with her?
This thing you´re in has nothing to do with LOVE. Quite frankly I cannot comprehend how you can accept your life like and being treated like this. It´s abuse and you´re brainwashed into thinking otherwise. Sorry had to get this out first – I don´t wanna judge you or your lifestyle (I myself are the property of a beautiful VERY dominant lady who´s also my beloved fiancée) but this thing you´re in just don´t make sense to me the more I try to understand… So please read on tiny:

To my knowledge you´ve never really told us how old (or young) Kirsten are but have you considered the fact that it can happen she might want kids some day? Most likely not with you since she´s already str8 up told you she doesn´t REALLY love you. Right now it´s convenient for her to have your friendship and support after the Chris break-up (plus she also takes all of her anger out on you in a very wrong way)… Anyway, all I have to say is this: imagine what can happen when she once again are ready for a new man…

Just picture this following scenario.
Within a year or two - maybe ten -maybe within a few months - maybe only weeks from now - she meets this GREAT new fantastic normal guy with whom she falls head over heel in love with. Do you believe he would tolerate his woman to have a cuckold sissy slave staying around her place (which is actually your place I guess, tiny)?
Even if he would allow her to have a sissy friend like you - which I believe he wouldn´t in the long run anyway (no pun intended) - what do think would happen if they suddenly were about to have a baby/babies??? Do you really think that your current situation would still be the case? Can you imagine a family of: man, woman, baby(ies) AND a cuckold sissy boy??
I think not - sorry! Be for real, tiny, and try to look at your situation from another angle... Or just a little further down the line..She´d dump you in an instant and you know it!
If she somehow is sterile and can´t have babies try to fill in other various situations which could unfold if she really fell completely in love and perhaps even got married with another man… Adoption, step-kids, a dominant husband might be what she actually needs – whatever! What then? What would happen to you and your beloved Miss?

Hey it´s your life but know this: There are so many beautiful, Dominant women out there – so many fish in the sea… So why not go for a swim before you end up alone, lonely and heartbroken – and even more mentally and physically abused than u already are - coz THAT´s really sad.

Just a note: to prevent the chances of cancer from happening “down there” at least make sure you get some kind of stimulation of your prostate so your system gets cleaned out every once in a while - the other thing is NOT healthy - as far as I´ve read (I believe it has been mentioned more detailed in a previous message)

In any case:
Best of luck, love and a pad on your shoulder

Best regards

KFC

9:27 PM  
Anonymous AG's little eddie said...

i miss your posts and hope that you're okay. i understand the feelings of confusion, the need for submission, and the desire to please even if it comes at great expense to oneself. Others have offered advice; i offer only a little hug and hopes that everything works out for you.

AG's little eddie

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am not even going to say which side of this i am on, But its been over two months since you updated, don't leave us hanging, what the hell is going on!!!

2:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, an update please!!! Fact or fiction, I was very interested and still check here every couple of days

2:45 PM  
Blogger birdie said...

Perhaps I am intruding and venturing forth to comment on an exchange of which I know little about but I, for some reason, sensed that you needed some support. Either some form of acknowlegement and positive feedback about how hard you are really trying to please your Ms. , because I know you must be going through a lot of internal and physical struggles. One comment you wrote resonated with me in particular. I believe it was the section in which you said that your Ms. had hugged you and that you thought it may lead to some intimacy but then she kneed you in the groin. Your words were something to the effect of "I guess it was".

I felt very saddened by reading that. It seemed like a partial hearted attempt to boost your confidence in the well meaning and supposed caring and responsible intentions of your Ms. towards you. And I think I can extrapolate how much that effort may have taken you.

Also, I was interested in your perspective of the differences between your keyholder 'owning' you, and your keyholder emotionally and physically 'discarding' you.

I hope it is something you have an opportunity to think about. And also, if you are satisfied with your situation, I would be happy to offer verbal support of your efforts, as many of the responses I see you have received seem somewhat empty in that regards.


Take care.

6:09 PM  
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