Friday, March 10, 2006

Not going to be "So Macho"

Firstly I’d like to apologise for my absence in posting on the blog. I have been working on over-drive, both at home and at work and I’ve been totally exhausted. I have looked to post-up here but everytime I’ve looked at the last post, and my attempts at being macho, I’ve been too embarrassed to add anything. I have just read a lovely message from Belinda in Prague (Prague! How cool is that! Not only is it an amazing city but someone living there is taking an interest! Thanks so much Belinda! xx) which she set a little while ago and I did feel a bit guilt at not keeping you all updated.

Working extra hours at work and then getting home, having to shave, put my make-up and female clothes on, make dinner and do my chores is a real drag (no pun intended), but that’s not to say I really mind that much. Miss and I did sit down and have a long chat after my last post, and it did make me come to realise and understand certain things. I know now that is laughable for me to “be her man” because I can’t be. Allowing my masculinity to be locked away, accepting dressing as a girl but most importantly “accepting” Miss’s relationship with Chris changed how she thought and looked at me. She did admit that although she still loved me, she was not “in love” with me. I have to admit it did make me cry, but she was so soft and sensitive and we ended up cuddling into the early hours.

So the outcome?

Yes, I am still wearing the CB-3000. To be honest it’s so long since I even started to get aroused it doesn’t even feel like I could or ever did.
Yes, I am still dressing as a girl; underwear all day and full make-up, my wig, clothes and heels in the evening and at weekends.

The one positive thing is Miss is not interested in getting a new boyfriend, although she did admit if she met a guy she liked she would start seeing him. As you can imagine I have, literally, been bending over backwards to keep her happy (she is still pretty cut up and upset about Chris) and make her life as easy and fun as possible. She has taken the break-up out on me somewhat, but I suppose that’s to be expected, as we are so close. She does have Miss Catherine, but she hasn’t spent that muh time with her because Tony is one of Chris’s best friends. I do think she feels that Chris may have been scared off because of me, and she did insinuate that if I’d been “more of a man” she would never had to start seeing him in the first place. I suppose she has a point. I’m glad that it’s just us two again and I really am trying my best to make this work and keep us together.

Things have got “back to normal” so to speak, although the first Sunday after we had our heart-to-heart I was punished far more than I had before. I had my hands cuffed behind my back, as I do every Sunday when I am unlocked and cleaned. Miss came up and gave me a hug…for a moment I thought it would lead to some intimacy between us…and in a way I suppose it did. Before I knew anything about it she’d quickly raised her knee between my legs. I fell to the floor in agony, banging the side of my head on the bath. I could hardly breath, it felt like my testicles had been pushed up into my stomach and I was in a cold sweat. Miss quickly knelt next to me,

“Are you OK?” she asked with a real look of concern and worry on her face.
I tried to answer but all the breath had been knocked out of me and I could only nod.
“I’m so sorry, darling, but you know you deserved that?”
Again I could only nod.
For the rest of the day I had a dull ache in my testicles, which I suppose served as a reminder that I will never be “her man” and I had no right to even suggest it. I shan’t even be thinking of it again.

Friday, February 24, 2006

A Moonage Daydream

Just a quick post to let you know some good news - Kirstin and Chris have split up!!! Well he's actually left her. He didn't go up to Manchester for work, he went up to see his ex...and to cut a long story short he's decided he still loves her. I've had a warm glow all day, although Kirstin is pretty cut up about it so I shouldn't really be smiling so much and I resisted the urge to jump up and down when she told me - it's quite hard to be sympathetic about sad news when it isn't really, for me anyway.

We spent last night cuddled up in bed, her head on my chest whilst I stroked and carressed her hair. I told her he was an idiot and a fool but she did cry for over an hour, so part of me wanted to hurt him for hurting Kirstin, but another part of me was so glad it was all over. She angrily said that all men were bastards and when I pointed out that I would never cheat on her or hurt her, she looked up and me and said, "I said men." Lying there in a padded bra, knikers and a babydoll I couldn't really say anything, but I have decided that's is what I want - to be her man again.

Tonight I'm going to tell her. I'm not going to wear girls clothes or make-up anymore and I want to be released from the CB-3000. I'll still wear it, to prove my love and commitment to her, and tht not all men our cheating bastards, but I want to be released at the weekends or at least once a week. I've tried to put a brave face on everything thats happened, and I do feel we have both learnt alot already this year, but we don't really have anything more to learn from chastity, at least not permanent chastity.

We are going to be a couple again, and whilst some of it has been fun, it's not the wild and exciting fantasy people on the internet make out, I've really felt low and depressed at times, which I suppose in a way makes my mood now such a high.

Have a great weekend everyone, make it special, and tell someone you love 'em!

I really can't stop grinning! :-)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

"Order is the shape upon which beauty depends." Pearl Buck

It's been a week since I last looked at this blog, for two reasons; partly because I've been so busy but mainly because of some of the comments and emails I've been receiving from people who think they know what they are talking about, but have never even met me or Miss. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, and are free even to judge me, but it is not only wrong but unacceptable to judge Miss. She is a tender, sensitive, intelligent and beautiful woman who has given me so much and taught me so much, especially within the last two months.

However I received a lovely and thoughtful message today from Anna (thank you again, Anna) which inspired me to let you know how we have been.

Of course it was St Valentines Day last Tuesday. I had intented to take Miss out to an expensive restaurant called Rosies, but Chris had already asked her out for the evening. However we agreed that we would have our Valentines Day on Wednesday - as Miss pointed out this would be even more special, because everyone else celebrated theirs on the 14th, whilst we would be the only two to celebrate on the 15th.

Miss was obviously excited about spending their St Valentines night together and left work early to get ready (she does take a year to get ready, even though she is so beautiful to start with!!!)
He'd sent her red roses to our house, which had been taken in by our neighbour. I thought we'd agreed roses were tacky, especially on Valentines day, but it appears Chris can do know wrong so she got me to put them in a glass vase next to the TV.

She had decieded to wear the short black satin dress she had worn for him before so I ironed it gently whilst she was in the shower ( it gets creased pretty easily). I helped her into her black satin basque, doing up the 12 hooks at the back, she then sat on the bed and I rolled the stockings up her soft, smooth and gorgeous legs, so she could clip them to the suspenders. In this position I had her pussy inches from my face. She usually keeps it neatly trimmed, but she had shaven herself totally clean as a Valentine suprise for Chris.
"Would you like to kiss my pussy?" she asked me gently.
"Yes Miss," I answered, almost whispering.
I leaned forward and couldn't believe she let me kiss her in her most intimate place. I must be one of the luckiest men alive. I later thought perhaps I should have done more, but it just doesn't seem to be right or something I would do now, and would certainly be disrespectful, not only to Miss, but to Chris too.
She giggled when she asked if not wearing any knickers whould be sexy or just slutty. I assured her it was most definetly sexy.
I wanted to watch her do her hair and make-up, not just because I could watch her for hours but so I could learn more, but I suppose she felt a bit self-concious at me gawping at her every move, so I was sent to watch TV after I'd zipped up the back of her dress.
I looked at the card that had come with the flowers, which says "To My Darling Kirstin...the most beautiful woman in all Christendom...All My Love, Chris xxx"
I couldn't help but think he may be a "stallion" in bed but he's hardly one of the worlds poets.
When the taxi arrived to pick her up she looked absolutely stunning. To be honest I think I was almost as excited as her, especially knowing that there was only two men in the world who would know what she had on underneath, and what she didn't have on underneath, her dress! Even though I was dressed as a girl I carried her overnight back out to the taxi for her and we had a little hug as I told her to have a great night.

We had a lovely Valentines Night together the following evening. We both dressed up, with me in a little black shift dress we had got, and both felt and looked pretty sexy.
Chris had again marked her neck a couple of times the previous evening. To be honest I don't really like it at all, and wish he wouldn't, but didn't mention anything because it would spoil our evening. It's also really nothing to do with me, but can't help feeling it's partly a message to me (or that may just be my ego).

After a three-course meal (mussels, salmon and then chocolate gateaux) which Miss adored, we gave each other our love tokens. I'd bought her a platinum and diamond necklace which I helped her put on, but I couldn't believe it when I unwrapped a beautiful black corset. It took us a while to work out how the lacing went up the back (you'd think they would do that for you) especially when the instructions were in German, but with some adjusting we got there in the end. Perhaps eating a large meal first wasn't such a good idea, and even with the lacing got spaced out I could hardly breath. Another tip is to put your stockings on first, because there was no way I could reach down, but Miss thankfully put them on for me.
It did feel good when she put her hands around my waist and gave me a long hug, telling me I looked fantastic. We went into the bedroom and I looked in the mirror to see my waste alot smaller than normal. It is quite uncomfortable but does look incredible. Even with the laces adjusted it is still quite tricky to get into, if I lay on the bed I can just about pull the steel clasps over the hooks.
We then spent the eveing watching the film "The Talented Mr. Ripley", and both agreed that Jude Law is far sexier than Matt Damon. I even admitted I thought he was "gorgeous" which made Miss laugh and me blush. I don't know what it is about him, but he does look too good to touch, but it may just be this film. I knew his name but had never seen any of his films before. Miss joked she knew what to get me for my birthday.

Chris had to go up to Manchester for the weekend, although he did call Miss on all three nights. She said she wished she'd gone with him, which I suppose I understand, but I am glad she didn't; three nights is alot different to one. So I had her to myself for the whole weekend. She had intended to go out with Catherine but it was rained off.

He's back today so she's going out with him, Catherine and Tony. This may sound funny but it doesn't really make me feel jealous at all now, just a bit lonely. Chris sounds a nice guy and they do have a great time together so why should I be jealous? She'll always come back to me.

All is good in the world. It's not the way I would have chosen things to develop between us, but we did give the "traditional" way a good go for over two years, and we are closer than ever now. No, all is good in the world. I just feel sorry for those people who have no one, and no-one to spend Valentines Day with, whichever day you choose!!!

I also notice Photobucket have deleted my photo from my profile, but I suppose it was already out-of-date anyway. Watch this space.

Monday, February 13, 2006

I've Acted Like An Idiot!

When Miss got home on Thursday evening we had a long chat and I feel really stupid. Apparently she had told me she was seeing Chris on Wednesday. I honestly can’t remember her telling me, so I either didn’t hear her or was busy with my chores when she told me. I apologised for my behaviour the previous day and she told me we needed to have a talk.
“I was really scared of losing you,” she told me.
I couldn’t believe she was saying it, as that was exactly what had terrified me.
“Of course you won’t lose me,” she assured me. “I need you in my life, but I also need Chris too. Do you understand that?”
“Yes Miss,” I replied meekly.
“You really are a wonderful person. You’ve let me lock you up, and agreed to stay locked. That proves how much you love me. Chris wouldn’t do that.” She said, making me feel proud.
“You accepted dressing as a girl and Chris wouldn’t do that. And I don’t think he could boil an egg, let alone know how to use an iron!” she laughed.
“That’s why you are special to me, you do things for me that Chris would never do. But Chris does things for me that you could never. I need you, but you both give me different thing, and I want you both to be a part of my life. You shouldn’t feel threatened by Chris, because you both give me different things. Chris is a man…and well you’re not really are you?”
I felt embarrassed but also happy that she had admitted that she needed me. We both started crying and hugging each other, holding each other tight.
“I never want to lose you,” I said.
“I’ve got a little surprise for you she announced, and went over to her bag and pulled out a white padded envelope.
I opened it and found a wig wrapped-up in some fine netting. When I pulled the netting apart I was surprised and impressed by the wig. It wasn’t like what I’d imagined it to be; it looked really realistic, brown, shoulder length with blondish highlights.
“Why don’t you do your make-up and try it on?” she suggested.
I went and boiled a kettle, placed a towel over the sink and gave myself a facial sauna (this apparently opens the pores and brings out the hairs, so I can have a really close shave).
Once I’d shaved and rinse my face with cold water I started putting on my make-up. I’m still pretty rubbish with the eyeliner and lip liner, but Miss tells me it just takes time and practice.
She came into the bathroom and joked, “You’re not going for the front cover of Vogue, you know.”
“I bet you didn’t put your make-up on last night, did you?”
I had to admit I hadn’t being so moody.
“You need to wear your make-up every night, so it is perfect and becomes second nature to you.”
She helped me with the wig, which kept sticking to my face, so she got a hair band, pulled two strands of hair from the front of either side and tied them behind my head.
I looked into the mirror and was astonished at the difference it made. I really was looking more female.
Miss put her arms around my waist, cuddling me as we looked in the mirror.
“You look sooo sexy,” she whispered in my ear, making me blush, but feel so, so special.

We had a lovely night. I cooked us a delicious meal and we had a couple of bottles of wine. We were both a little drunk and Miss started to talk about Chris. She has never slept with a guy who is so passionate and with such stamina.
“Is he really pretty big?” I asked.
“What, down there?” she answered. “Mmmm.”
She held her hand out, “I guess he’s about this big…7 or 8 inches? I’ll have to measure it for you.”
We both started giggling.
“It’s the best sex I’ve ever had…and it keeps getting better. He’s sex on legs. He’s made me feels things I have never felt before, I just can’t stop thinking about him and smiling. When we make love it’s just so wonderful…he’s just so wonderful. I just love feeling him inside of me.”
She’d never been this open of honest before and it made me realise how close we were that she could share this with me.
“I told Chris what you said yesterday, and that you shouted at me and he was pretty angry, you know.” She blurted out.
“What did he say?”
“Well he just didn’t like the way you were speaking to me. He said it showed a complete lack of respect and he doesn’t want you to stick your nose into our affairs.”
“Yes Miss, I really am sorry. I promise it won’t happened again.”
“Well you should really apologise to him as well.”
I suddenly felt panicky. “I can’t meet him,” I replied. “We agreed I wouldn’t have to meet him.”
“No silly, you don’t have to meet him, but perhaps just write him a quick letter saying you’re sorry.”
We went into the kitchen and I sat down and wrote him the letter I have posted below.

Or you can see it here:
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d19/southernslave/letter2chris.jpg

“Is that OK, will that be OK? Do you think he’ll accept it?” I asked nervously.
“I think it’s fine. I’m sure he will. He’s not a bad guy, you know. You might actually get on, you two.” She said smiling.

“To be honest…” she paused looking me in the eye, “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
My face must have dropped because she quickly added, “I still love you, sweetheart, but it’s in a different way to Chris. I can’t really explain.”

Later she sent me to bed because she was feeling quite horny. It suddenly dawned on me that I had never ever actually seen her masturbating. I had asked her a few times when we were first together, and bought her vibrator but she’d always told me she was too shy, and felt too vulnerable to do it with me in the room. It was probably just an excuse to myself but I went to the toilet and walking back I noticed the lounge door wasn’t fully closed. I crept up to it and could hear her gasping and gently moaning, which made me smile. For the first time in weeks I felt a stirring between my legs. The sounds she was making and the knowledge she was playing with herself was exciting me and I was actually starting to get an erection. Even though I could feel the Points Of Intrigue on my CB-3000 starting to dig into me I couldn’t stop listening. I thought about quickly looking round the door, but knew she’d go ballistic if she saw me, and the pain from the CB-3000 started to really hurt so I quietly went back to bed.

When she came to bed I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I knew that I had to.
“Miss, I know we both agreed that chastity was important in our relationship…but, well I do miss the intimacy that we had when we use to make love. I’ve never felt as close to anyone as then.”
“Tiny,” she sighed, “Just when things seem to straighten themselves and we are getting on better than ever, you have to say something like that. Do you really want to ruin things between us?”
“No, of course not…” I answered, but she cut me off.
“And I don’t think Chris would be too impressed would he? What if I told him? Do you think he’d be happy that I was cheating on him?”
“I’m sorry, I know it as a stupid thing to say. I’m really sorry.”
“OK, but I think we should both go to sleep and forget about it, alright?”
“Yes Miss.”

On Friday night we were just finishing dinner when the phone went. It was my Mum, asking if we could go round for Sunday lunch. I held my hand over the receiver and asked Miss if she fancied it.
“Oh I can’t. I’m seeing Chris on Saturday night and I sort of promised I’d cook him a roast on Sunday. I don’t think his kitchens ever been used, apart from the microwave. But why don’t you go, you haven’t seen you Mum since before Christmas.”
“Hi Mum, yes I can come but Kirstin is having dinner with a friend…Yes, I’ll be there a One. OK.”

On Saturday Miss left at about 6 to see Chris. It was completely different to Wednesday night. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I said, “Have a good night, Miss.”
“You too. Be a good boy.”
It still felt a bit funny and even though I spent most of the night watching a film, I did feel a bit on my own.

Sunday was uneventful. My Mother cooks a great Sunday Roast and it was nice to see her. She did ask after ‘Kirstin’ and where she was, which was a little embarrassing but I just told her she was having lunch with her friend Catherine.
When I got home Miss was already there but she went to bed for a couple of hours in the evening. And thank god Chris had accepted my apology.
“You’ve got him well trained,” he apparently told Miss.
“Of course I have, what else would you expect.

Our relationship has changed so much in the last few weeks, but we’ve come through it and are still together. I feel so proud to be with Miss, even if things aren’t the same as they use to be. But love is an ever changing and many splendoured thing. And we our lucky to have it.

Letter of Apology to Chris - see above post

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The shit hit the fan in a big way last night. I usually get home before Kirstin but she was already home when I got in.
“Oh hello Miss, you’re early.” I said in surprise. I then noticed she had her overnight bag in her hand.
“I can’t stop now, we’re all meeting up at 8.” She replied, putting her jacket on.
“Who’s we?” I asked.
“Me, Chris, Cath and Tony, we’re going to the cinema.”
“And your bag?”
“Oh, I’m staying over at Chris’s tonight, it just seems easier. I did leave you a note.” She said matter-of-factly.
“What do you mean, you’re staying at Chris’s, you only saw him a couple of days ago. I thought we agreed it would only be once a week.?” I replied, starting to get angry and anxious.
“We never agreed that…and besides I haven’t seen him since Friday.”
“Erm, he was fucking fucking you on Saturday morning,” I replied angrily.
“Well maybe that’s because you can’t. “ she said.
“Only because I’m locked up.””Well you agreed to it, and you agreed to me seeing Chris.” She responded with an element of contempt in her voice.
“I didn’t agree to it…to any of it. You asked me to…no TOLD me.”
“Look, I really am late, and I’m glad I’m going out if you’re going to be in such a foul mood, and behave so rudely.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I replied, “Look can we just talk about this.”
“I’ll maybe see you tomorrow night, OK?” came her reply and with that she picked up her bag and left.
I did think about trying to stop her, but she was pretty determined and she had a look in her eye that frankly scared me a bit.
I was furious, especially when I found her note on the kitchen table:

Tiny,
Staying at Chris’s tonight, see you tomorrow.
Can you iron my work shirts?
Miss xx

Is that all I deserved. If I hadn’t got home when I did that’s all I’d have had. I’ve done everything she’s asked. It’s not been easy and at times it has really hurt, but the least I deserve is a bit of respect and thoughtfulness in return. As someone commented, it isn't really compromise if it's only me making it. I can’t believe she’s been so … well horrible. I tried to call her mobile but she was either out of battery or had it turned off, even after the film must have finished.

I didn’t get much sleep I was so angry. I’m also really itching on my legs and “other” areas where my hair is starting to grow back. She probably doesn’t even give a fuck, although she’s probably getting one.

I’ve been so angry all day I tried to call her at work, but the reception said she’d called in sick!!! If she doesn’t come home tonight that’s it, I’m going to ask her to leave. Perhaps some of you were right.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hair today...






These are some of the photos from last Wednesday.

Tiny x

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Weekend

Well it was a long old weekend. Miss went out on her date with Chris and once I'd finished my chores I settled down to watch the TV.

At 11pm Kirstin called to see if I was OK and then told me she'd be staying over at Chris' flat. I hadn't expected that and she must still have been at the party because we could hardly hear each other, so I just said "OK" and the phone went dead. It seems just when I feel I'm beginning to accept things something comes up that throws me totally off course. It took 20 minutes before I decided to phone her back and ask her to come home if she could. Twice I started dialling the number and twice I hang up. However on the third attempt I decided I had to call her, but her battery must have run out because her mobile went straight to voicemail.

I went to bed but just kept tossing and turning. The bed seemed so cold and empty without her.

I had just finished breakfast on Saturday morning and was just cleaning the kitchen when Miss got home...with another love-bite on her neck.
"That'll get them gossiping at work," she told me. "It was pretty much all they talked about last week."
"What did you say?" I asked in a panic.
"Well I couldn't tell them about Chris, could I? So they now all thing you're a stallion! How funny's that?"
I blushed and then asked her what had happened last night.
"Oh, you can guess. Chris has asked me not to talk to you about me and him."
I felt deflated. Just as I thought we were getting closer again I seemed to be being pushed out...again.
Miss could see my disappointment so she suggested we had another "girlie night in" and announced we were going into town shopping.
Usually traipsing around a load of shops would have been boring, but because we were also shopping for clothes for me it added excitment to an otherwise tedious Saturday afternoon.
We both got some new knickers and we also bought a floaty black top and black mini-skirt for me. I was a bit horrified when she suggested I tried them on in the shop, but then giggled at the look on my face and told me she was only joking.
We looked around a few shoe shops and then came across some black high heels. I don't know how high they actually were but there was no way I'd be able to walk in them.
"Nonsense, if girls can do it so can you. It just takes a bit of practice.
We looked everywhere for a wig but couldn't find one so Miss said she'd look on the internet at work for one.

We had a great evening messing about, Miss teaching me how to apply my make-up but she didn't mention Chris at all, which surpised me. I can't explain it; I don't want to even think about him, but at the same time it's always in the back of my mind.

On Sunday morning Miss inisted a put my new clothes and make-up on. I had a bit of a headache from the wine we had drunk the night before, but she told me women didn't have a choice so neither should I. I reluctantly agreed but didn't feel in the least "sexy".

So today I am back at work and outwardly am a man again. Sorry if my weekend sounds a bit boring.